Yesterday I had an appointment with yet another psychiatrist. The previous one did not take insurance and the $256 per session price tag was just too steep. I have been dealing with clinical depression, insomnia and anxiety disorder for 11 years. Suffice it to say: it's been a bumpy road. Lots of highs, lots of lows, occasionally actually high, but mostly just down. I've been to therapy as well. It helps. This time around I will be tackling my illness with both a psychiatrist and psychologist. I'm so done with depression taking over my life. I want my life back.
The latest incident that has sent me scrambling to the doctor's office is pretty scary. Last Saturday afternoon my anxiety level had reached critical mass. Trigger #1: My father who was visiting for a few days had to leave to go home which reminded me of him leaving for home after a visit while my parents were separated for some reason. Trigger #2: My insomnia was really out of control and that made me frustrated. I was exhausted yet could only manage 3-4 hours of sleep a night. Trigger #3: Finding out my husband's recent week of vacation would not be paid time off after all leaving us with $40 in our checking account after the rent was paid.
My last psychiatrist didn't feel anxiety medication for panic attacks necessary for me. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I tried sleeping, I tried taking valerian root, chamomile tea, lavender candles: no dice. With no healthy way to calm my anxiety I went for a different approach. Wine and cigarettes. I know! So classy! Just one glass to calm my nerves turned into a bottle, and then a six pack of Lone Star, two Lynchburg lemonades, and a few screwdrivers. Oh, and let's not forget the two packs of cigarettes. I drunk dialed some of my friends. I even drunk dialed people I didn't even like that much.
At one point I did a tarot reading for my next door neighbor and apparently had a real deep conversation about women sticking together with another neighbor. I say apparently because for the last five days I've been worried I had been a horrible bitch to her. I just didn't remember anything we talked about. An hour ago she knocked on my door wanting to know if I needed anything from the store because she was making a trip. Very sweet of her. A weight off my shoulder as well. My husband did not fare well as my neighbor did. He didn't give me all the details and I don't remember any of it, but I went on a tirade about how unhappy I was in the marriage etc. etc. Which isn't even true. My unhappiness has nothing to do with him. He described my behavior as "abusive". He couldn't even look at the next day.
I was so put out with myself I didn't get out of bed for 3 days. I was lost in a thick cloud of guilt, self-loathing, and embarrassment. I concluded that I did in fact self-medicate with alcohol too many times. Although it has happened less and less in the last two years, I still slip every now and then. I also realized that I have gotten used to living with a high level of anxiety. I don't even realize it's affecting me sometimes and then I binge drink and wonder why afterwards. Luckily I already had an appointment scheduled with this new doctor.
She is pretty hardcore. She took great notes, asked very good questions, and I felt very comfortable talking to her. But then she did something very unexpected. You see I hadn't told my husband everything about my drunken bender. It had happened once before and he didn't know how to handle it so he didn't do anything about it. So I figured "why bother?" My psychiatrist had me phone my husband and tell him what I had done and then she spoke to him herself. I was stunned. Mortified. Later I felt angry about it. How can I answer her questions truthfully if she is going to turn around and rat me out? Didn't I have the right to tell my husband in my own time? Was it even lawful for her to discuss my medical issues with anyone without my express consent? Isn't that doctor-client privilege? She scared the bejesus out of my husband too. Made it sound like I could commit suicide at any second. And yes, I get that I did harm myself. It is serious and she was concerned for my safety. But I am wary.
My next appointment is tomorrow. My husband is coming with me which is kind of weird to be honest. I'm a bit nervous.
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